DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid.
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid.
Remember: Dogs and cats are easier than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
IF YOU CAN…
~Start the day without caffeine.
~Always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.
~Resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
~Eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.
~Understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.
~Take criticism and blame without resentment.
~Conquer tension without medical help.
~Relax without liquor.
~Sleep without the aid of drugs.
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!!
~Start the day without caffeine.
~Always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.
~Resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
~Eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.
~Understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.
~Take criticism and blame without resentment.
~Conquer tension without medical help.
~Relax without liquor.
~Sleep without the aid of drugs.
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!!
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
and never say its not quite as good as his mothers…
...then buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...
...then buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies…
...then buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores…
...then buy a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually…
...then buy a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness…
...then buy a cat!
Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
and never say its not quite as good as his mothers…
...then buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...
...then buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies…
...then buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores…
...then buy a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually…
...then buy a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness…
...then buy a cat!
Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS INSTEAD OF WIVES:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, if I died, would you get another dog?
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, if I died, would you get another dog?
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
A woman was in her back yard hanging laundry when a tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.
The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman finally pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have six children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."
The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman finally pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have six children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Three little ducks go into a Bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey
"Oh.. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two..
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey
"Oh.. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two..
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale. He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings Jingle Bells, and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings Deck the Halls.
The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...
The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal."
Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, "If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter."
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
When the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal."
Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, "If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter."
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
When the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther
is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was
one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a
look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!'
says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,
'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the
squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead
of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old
German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome
youth and treachery!
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther
is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was
one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a
look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!'
says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,
'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the
squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead
of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old
German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome
youth and treachery!
So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone
his flashlight around looking for valuables and
when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack
a strange voice echoed from the dark, saying:
"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his
flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook
his head, promised himself a holiday after the next
big score, then clicked the light back on and began
searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the
stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear
as a bell he heard, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU".
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep" the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just
trying to warn you!"
The burglar relaxed........"Warn me, huh? Who the heck
are you?"
"Moses", replied the bird.
"Moses"! the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid
people would name a parrot "Moses"?
The bird promptly replied "Probably the same kind of
people who would name their Rottweiler "Jesus"...
his flashlight around looking for valuables and
when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack
a strange voice echoed from the dark, saying:
"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his
flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook
his head, promised himself a holiday after the next
big score, then clicked the light back on and began
searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the
stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear
as a bell he heard, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU".
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep" the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just
trying to warn you!"
The burglar relaxed........"Warn me, huh? Who the heck
are you?"
"Moses", replied the bird.
"Moses"! the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid
people would name a parrot "Moses"?
The bird promptly replied "Probably the same kind of
people who would name their Rottweiler "Jesus"...
How To Photograph A New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds
from muzzle
4. Choose a suitable background for photo
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on
puppy's nose
13. Put magazines back on coffee table
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say,
"No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess
18. Fix a drink
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy
"sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning
20. Consider buying "older, trained" dog
1. Remove film from box and load camera
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds
from muzzle
4. Choose a suitable background for photo
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on
puppy's nose
13. Put magazines back on coffee table
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say,
"No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess
18. Fix a drink
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy
"sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning
20. Consider buying "older, trained" dog
How to give a cat a pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door on it to neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss in the air.
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door on it to neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss in the air.
How to bathe your cat
By The Dog
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
By The Dog
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. (how true)!!
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. (how true)!!
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
Going out for the night we were dressed and ready to go out for the party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b1tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b1tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
A woman goes into a pet shop and enqiures to buy a Parrot. The assistant tells her that he's only got one left and that she can have it for $100.
"But"!! he added "I must warn you - his previous owner was a Madam in a house of ill repute".
"That's ok"! the woman says - "I'll take it anyway"
When she got it home the Parrot said "Ah!!, different brothel - different Madam"
The woman replied "This is no brothel and I am no Madam"
After a while the woman's two daughters came to visit for the day the Parrot said "Ah!!, different brothel, different Madam, and different prostitutes"!!
The woman repeated "This is no brothel, I am no Madam and these are my Daughters"
Later on, the woman's Husband came home from work the Parrot chirped "Ah, different brothel, different Madam, different prostitutes... Oh hello George, Nice to see you again"!!
"But"!! he added "I must warn you - his previous owner was a Madam in a house of ill repute".
"That's ok"! the woman says - "I'll take it anyway"
When she got it home the Parrot said "Ah!!, different brothel - different Madam"
The woman replied "This is no brothel and I am no Madam"
After a while the woman's two daughters came to visit for the day the Parrot said "Ah!!, different brothel, different Madam, and different prostitutes"!!
The woman repeated "This is no brothel, I am no Madam and these are my Daughters"
Later on, the woman's Husband came home from work the Parrot chirped "Ah, different brothel, different Madam, different prostitutes... Oh hello George, Nice to see you again"!!
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large Rottweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!"
Yesterday I was at my local Sam's Club buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore.
None of these are mine, I do not know who they belong to. I found them on the internet or sent to me in emails.