Pet Classified Ads
Free Puppies. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
Free puppies. Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Free Yorkshire terrier. Eight years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Cows, calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.
Found—dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
Cute kitten for sale. Two cents or best offer.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
Free puppies. Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Free Yorkshire terrier. Eight years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Cows, calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.
Found—dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
Cute kitten for sale. Two cents or best offer.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Animal Quotes
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his
tongue.
-Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost
$21.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket
and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
tongue.
-Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost
$21.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket
and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
Animal Facts
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.
The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.
Hummingbirds are the only animals that can fly backwards.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
A cat's jaw cannot move sideways.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates mating by ripping the male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
Orcas kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.
The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.
Hummingbirds are the only animals that can fly backwards.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
A cat's jaw cannot move sideways.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates mating by ripping the male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
Orcas kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
By The Cat
If I like it, it’s mine...
If I had it a while ago, it’s mine...
If I can take from you, it’s mine...
If I saw it first, it’s mine...
If it’s edible, it’s always mine...
If it’s broken, it’s yours...
If I chew it to pieces, all the pieces are mine...
If it used to be yours, get over it!
If I had it a while ago, it’s mine...
If I can take from you, it’s mine...
If I saw it first, it’s mine...
If it’s edible, it’s always mine...
If it’s broken, it’s yours...
If I chew it to pieces, all the pieces are mine...
If it used to be yours, get over it!
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't
speak clearly.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't
speak clearly.
Dogs Live Here
If you don't want to be greeted with paws and swinging tails don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you don't like the feel of a cold nose or a wet tongue, don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you don't want to step over many scattered toys, don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you think that a home ought to smell of perfume, don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you don't mind all of this, you will be instantly loved when you come inside, because dogs live here.
If you don't like the feel of a cold nose or a wet tongue, don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you don't want to step over many scattered toys, don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you think that a home ought to smell of perfume, don't come inside because dogs live here.
If you don't mind all of this, you will be instantly loved when you come inside, because dogs live here.
Dog Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. OK, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed
to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. OK, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not
under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers
with the dog.
2. OK, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed
to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. OK, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not
under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers
with the dog.
To: God
From: The Dog
Dear God:
Why do humans smell the flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God:
When we get to heaven,
can we sit on your couch?
Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar,
the cougar, the mustang, the colt,
the stingray, and the rabbit,
but not ONE named for a dog?
How often do you see a cougar riding around?
We do love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename
the "Chrysler Eagle"
the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest
and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?
Dear God:
We dogs can understand
human verbal instructions,
hand signals, whistles, horns,
clickers, beepers, scent ID's,
electromagnetic energy fields,
and Frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?
Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God:
Let me give you a list of just some of the things
I must remember to be a good dog:
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Ma's underwear when she's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Why do humans smell the flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God:
When we get to heaven,
can we sit on your couch?
Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar,
the cougar, the mustang, the colt,
the stingray, and the rabbit,
but not ONE named for a dog?
How often do you see a cougar riding around?
We do love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename
the "Chrysler Eagle"
the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest
and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?
Dear God:
We dogs can understand
human verbal instructions,
hand signals, whistles, horns,
clickers, beepers, scent ID's,
electromagnetic energy fields,
and Frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?
Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God:
Let me give you a list of just some of the things
I must remember to be a good dog:
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Ma's underwear when she's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Dear Dogs and Cats
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not
stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl
up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get
the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to
turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the
door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also,
I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline
attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not
stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl
up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get
the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to
turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the
door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also,
I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline
attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.
None of these are mine, I do not know who they belong to. I found them on the internet or sent to me in emails.